1:47 a.m. - 2003-06-28

ive been neglecting writing in any of my online journals for a while. i have a million different excuses as to why this is, but ill spare you (most of them). i have this huge fear of not writing well, which is why ive nearly given up completely on trying to write anything of substance that anyone else may read. i realise that journals are just that - journals - and i shouldnt care what other people think, but really - who w/an online diary doesnt write to be read? i know i do.

so, anyway, madeline's had a throat infection for the last week or so & i finally got her in to her pediatrician's office today, 3 days after having taken her to the ER. so, now she has an ear infection, too. talk about a miserable kid. luckily i was blessed with a very happy baby, so even at her worst, shes not so bad.

my parents are going to ohio tomorrow to visit my uncle, who's just been diagnosed with malignant lymphoma, and theyre taking maddy with them. they are coming back late sunday night, and, while ill miss the little shit, im more than due for a night off. moneys a little tight right now, or id go w/them. but i dont travel unless i get my own hotel room - smokefree & quiet enough for mad & i to both rest comfortably.

speaking of money, my mother just got a new job paying around $30/hr & so things oughta get better quick. she found out about her job the day before yesterday and we worried she may have to start next wk .. which wouldnt be great, as my surgery is on the 1st. she found out yesterday, though, that she doesnt start orientation until the 14th, so thats really good. i still wont be fully recovered by then, but itll be a little easier to handle things. we thought my best friend, melissa, would have to come spend a week or two here immediately after my surgery, and i kind of wish she did!

im not really too worried about this surgery & i think its bc im not really too worried about anything these days. ive been so depressed lately, more so than i have been in years. i was trying to explain it to cameron last night, and i just really cant. i guess so much bad shit has happened this year & ive ignored it & now its all coming down on me at once. i havent even allowed myself to mourn my grammas death yet.

i seem to think about my own death constantly lately. before the eyerolling starts, please believe me when i stress that i am not suicidal. and im pretty sure this isnt one of those teenager-angst-cries-for-help things, either. i dont think of killing myself, i just think, all the time, that maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i just .. stopped being. if that makes sense. i really dont want to kill myself, i just to be done with being here. bleh. im going to talk to my doctor on monday if i get up the nerve, and ask her about getting on some antidepressants again. i just cant see how i can be this miserable & still be a good mama to madeline. shes my whole world & i want to be able to give her the whole world right back. (by the way, she started saying "mom mom" a few days ago & it makes me swell up inside every time!)

it seems like things should be a little easier to handle now that shaz is in pakistan till mid july. but i guess the paternity test order i got in the mail at the end of may just made it clear that even from across the globe, the jerkoff can find some way to piss me off/make me cry. we have the paternity test on august 5th. way to buy yrself 3-4 more months of not paying child support, fucker.

lately, ive been really wanting/needing someone i love and trust and care deeply about around to snuggle with and watch movies with and act retarded with and etc and, in turn, ive been missing kirk like crazy. id love to be able to hang out with him right now.. the last year i havent wanted anyone around me at all & ive screened/ignored all of my phone calls & im just getting back to the point where i can stand the people i care about, as bad as that sounds. anyway, if yall talk to kirk, tell him to come over & thumb wrestle with me. its not so far.

and cheley, too, if you can find her.

anyway, my fingers hurt & i think ive pretty much covered my life story, so ima stop now. everything that i didnt mention is going swimmingly minus that whole 'ocean between cameron & i' thing. but, hey, im workin' on it.

love,me