4:29 p.m. - 2003-05-27

heres boring 'im writing to remember this' journaling from my trip back home.

5-24

we got here around 5pm yesterday & got everything put up in our rooms, then went to see melissa. JR showed up as were leaving (!!) and we talked to him for a few minutes. mom & i went up to mel's for about 30 or 40 minutes. gabriel (her son) is getting so big! maddy crawled right up to him, it was the funniest for her. they played with mad's toys for a bit & maddy didnt cry at all.

then we went to see my dad @ jo's. my gramma's still in the hospital & dad doesnt think she'll be out this time. we showed maddy off for a while & she made everyone think she was the best baby. she was so sleepy but she hadnt napped for hours! we came back to our hotel & mom went to walmart while mad & i hung out in our room. she came back & we ordered a pizza (byebye diet!) and mom gave madeline a bath. we were waiting for aunt phyllis & co. to show up, but they didnt get here until 5am!

they called this morning @ about 1130 & madeline and i went down in our jammies to see them. they went crazy over her & i havent washed the lipstick off her face yet from all the kisses. sheila told me she informed all of them that i was 'her girl' & i couldnt hug or talk to any of them. im so glad theyre here! tina is just fawning over maddy, of course. everyone expected her to be bigger. they'll find out soon she has big ways!

early morning, 5-25

what a long day this was. after maddy waking up @ 5am & crying until 9am, all ive wanted to do is sleep & be lazy. after finishing writing earlier, though, our day really began. mom & i got maddy ready, then her & i went to the cemetery w/phyllis, tina, amber. (sheila stayed behind with ashley) ((ashley & amber are tina's daughters, ashley is blind & autistic)). they all put flowers on mamaws grave. planted real ones, even. i put some on uncle johns. ryan showed up a little while after & we mostly just watched maddy being silly w/her (and everyone else's) sunglasses. then we all (sans ryan) went up to aunt rubys grave. i was hoping kristy (my cousin) would be home, but i saw ricky & phyllis (her parents) instead. they loved maddy! phyllis mentioned gramma had been getting sleeping pills @ night & they didnt kick in till morning & she'd sleep all day. the whole situation just makes me angry. if she was being taken care of here in lexingtion, it would be so different. we're going to see her tomorrow after church & im dreading it so bad. i just dont want to see her like she is right now. its not how i want to remember her. but its a respect i know i have to pay. she certainly deserves it, if for nothing else, for putting up with 17yr old me living with her during my mean & formative years. she had a long full life, i just wish the last chapter of it didnt have to be full of suffering & disorientation.

anyway, after visiting rubys grave, we went to my dads where we ate a bit & maddy played some. i swear, shes been unbelievably good this weekend. im very proud of her. shes mommy's big girl now!

we came back to the hotel & everyone went out to eat. (phyllis, mom, ry, sheila, tina, robbie, amber, ashley & maddy) but i stayed at the hotel. so tired! i didnt nap but i did get some magazine + lazy time in.

ive been hurting so bad this weekend. i think i may have either a urinary tract infection or a kidney infection to go along with my endometriosis. yuck. intuition tells me its something worse than that. im semi-bleeding for the first time in about 3 months, since starting the lupron injections. im pretty scared.

tomorrow is church & im really dreading it. it seems like this year more than any other, i really dread putting myself in any situation likely to make me emotional. im so emotionally volatile right now anyway. i just try to keep my mind off of things that i know are going to affect me in any way. this is going to be a totally new experience, though, going to church with madeline. i just hope none of the old regular baptists ask about her father. no answer i could give would be right in their eyes, im sure. but mad is everything right in mine.

after church/lunch, we're going to see mamaw in the hospital. i swear, its gonna be so hard to see her this way & know she has no idea who any of us are at this point.

i really cant wait to be back home. im going to miss sheila so bad, though. her & i are so much alike. i wish we lived closer to each other or visited more often. shes so great & just the best!

to sleep i go, long day ahead. <3

5-25

sheila just came down to my room to hug me and tell me how much i mean to her. she squeezed me tight & told me she was so proud of me, seeing me w/maddy & that if i ever needed her to call. thats really made my day a lot better!!!

needless to say, the rest of the day was shitty, folks. my gramma doesnt even look like herself at this point & i doubt she'll make it to the end of this week. i couldnt help but cry even though i tried my hardest not to.

then we got home & i found a fucking court ordered paternity test letter waiting for me. shaz is contesting the child support stuff, so we have to wait until august 5th to have a paternity test done. he's up to something, and i dont think its going to be very good at all.

i swear, madeline & i will both disappear if he tries to pull any stupid shit.

and now im even sicker & my doctor hasnt called me back yet. and madelines been throwing up all day and .. guh. guh!

<3